Currying Favour

It was with sorrow that my housemate and I bid adieu to our washing machine. It had produced some fine work over the years, clean sheets, clean trousers... other clean things (although I only moved in a few weeks ago so this is pure conjecture).

So with a heavy a heart, a heavy hangover (the washing machine wake was a good one) and a heavier credit card I stood in Currys waiting for my housemate to come and chose a new washing machine.

Whilst I was waiting I explored the Aladdin's cave of competitively priced electronic goods until I happened upon a TV aerial that peaked my interest.

'Excuse me' I said to a man assigned to the TV department. 'How much is this?'

He took the box and beckoned me to follow him past promises of high definition, elaborate home cinemas and plasma televisions the size of market towns. We arrived at a computer and he paused and then turned to me and said...

'Can I just say something, I don't want you to be offended.'

'Oh no' I thought silently, he's going to tell me how tired I look and that my mascara has run down my sleep deprived face thus compounding the problem. Oh why is life lived in HD?

'OK' I capitulated.

'Now' he said seriously in a gentle Caribbean accent 'this is going to sound very unprofessional.'

I wanted to shout out: 'Yes, I know I went to bed at three and yes, I am still wearing yesterdays make up, but its Saturday and I am allowed to let my- as yet unwashed- hair down.'

'You have....' He paused again before sighing heavily and shaking his head 'The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.'

'Ha!' say I to government studies into binge drinking- I thrive upon anything above and beyond the recommended number of units.

'I don't mean to stare, but seriously, I could look at them all day, so blue, so so blue.' He cocked his head to one side, as I laughed nervously. 'With that kind of beauty what am I supposed to do?'

I coughed loudly. From flattering to weird in just two easy steps.

He continued in this vein for a while until I said 'Stop it!' in a tone that said 'Thanks but also desist, you're creepy and you still haven't told me the cost of the aerial.'

'Ok' he said understanding my intonation 'I will stop.' He tried but then he started again 'But I am just going to have to look this way' He dramatically pointed in the other direction 'Because I cannot look at you, it pains me.'

Thanks a lot Keats!

So there we stood there for what seemed like an awkward hour or two whilst the computer crashed three times. In silence he forcedly looked the other way as if I was Medusa whilst I stared at my shoes and thought of terminal illnesses and dug my fingernails into my palms in an effort not to laugh.

'£34.99' He said triumphantly. 'But, you know, when Mr right comes along, tell him if he does anything wrong he has to come to me.'

I stayed silent but raised a confused eyebrow, I wanted to say 'But I don't even know your name and anyway in the unlikely event that Mr right does come along but then does something heinous how does one contact you? Should I just march him into Currys and make him wait until your shift?'

'And another thing' He continued sagely, passing the aerial back to me. 'Be careful, because there are a lot of sharks out there.'

I assumed he meant in terms of men and not actual sharks.