Children in suits are creepy

Today I was waiting at the bus stop and along came a child of about 10 in a suit. He was unaccompanied and stern of face. He carried a clip board. 

The suit was shiny and light grey and pin stripped. It was a sunny day, the kind of day where ten year old children should be running around the street, throwing water bombs at passing strangers and not wearing suits.

I'm not sure where he had been, I'm not sure where he was going, but looked like he took life very seriously. 

Much more seriously than me.

I think perhaps he was a tiny business man.

For a moment I considered asking for general life advice.

But then I thought, no, he is ten.

A brief dalliance in delusion

I was sitting in the gym changing room. 

I was alone.

Then I heard a voice...

"Hello? Is anyone there?" 

It was a small American voice, not the voice of a child exactly, more like that of a tiny under-nourished androgynous adult. 

I looked around.

I was still the only person in the room.

I must have imagined it. 

I carried on getting changed.

"Hello" repeated the diminutive Yank.

I looked around. There was DEFINITELY nobody else in the room.

"Is anybody there?" persisted the voice.

"Oh my god." I thought "This is it, it's finally happened, I am hearing voices." 

I looked around once again, I knelt on the floor to check there was no one trapped behind the lockers and to check to see if I could see a borrower (I wish I could say at this point I'm exercising poetic license, but I really did check).

"Hello" The soft voice asked again.

"What should I do?" I pondered "Should I reply? Should I tell one of my friends? I might be on medication for the rest of my life. But no, I can't reply because then that would be to make the voice real."

"Is anyone there?" 

No! The voice was trapped inside my head. 

I sat down on the bench. 

"What if this is the voice I'm always going to hear?" My mind raced with questions  as I continued to be asked if anyone was there "It has a really annoying accent, this is a disaster. I at least wanted a voice with some gravitas, this voice is just whining and a bit shy."

Just as I thought this I lent back on one of the lockers.

The voice sounded again and as it did the locker gently vibrated. 

I quickly looked around and then put my ear to the locker. I was about to say "Hello?" When I realised that the voice was someone's idiot ring tone and not that of a borrower, nor my brain.

That above process lasted around 45 seconds.

So to conclude I'm not actually mad, well only in the respect that I'm not hearing voices, I suppose I might be a bit to believe I actually was, and a little madder still, to briefly consider the possibly that the voice belonged to a Borrower!

Love

A few months ago I was walking round Highbury corner when a man stopped me.

"Hello" He said. "Do you have a boyfriend?" 

"Yes" I replied hurredly, even though this wasn't true.

"I'm not surprised you're very pretty" He lamented.

"Oh well" I said.

"It's a shame you have a boyfriend. If you didn't I would have to take you on a date"

"Ok bye" Said I.

"Such beautiful eyes" He whispered with a dying fall. 

He was a tramp. 

Today I met a Bassett Hound, with ginger eyebrows and a hangdog expression. He was tied to a lamppost. As I approached he wagged his tail and so I bent down patted him on the head and told him he was lovely. He looked embarrassed and I left.

 

I spend approximately 5% of my waking hours and perhaps 10-15% of my dreams considering how much happier my life would be were I to own a dog. I think of Norfolk Terriers, Beagles and Jack Russell's and wonder at the amazing Beagle/Jack Russell cross-bread aka Jacakabee (were I to get one I would obviously name it Sir Derek) but until today I had not considered Bassett Hounds to be a contender. 

But as I walked away from my chance encounter I thought of how happy I would be if only I had a Bassett Hound and so now I'd say they are in with a chance.

I wish people on buses wouldn't whip my face with their dreadlocks.

the teddy bear

"Oh Andy he's such a lovely bloke, I call him my teddy bear." 

That's nice I thought as I absent mindedly eavesdropped.

"I mean seriously, he is such a lovely bloke." Her friend made a sound like "hmmm"

"He has just got out of prison though". Her friend turned to her.

"Oh yes" she said "What he do?"

"Manslaughter. Although don't know how they got it down to that. He did reverse over the bloke. Twice"

"God!" Said her friend.

"No but seriously he is lovely. You just can't push him or he'll loose it" 

"The thing is" said her friend "There will always be someone to push him"

The woman paused "I hadn't thought of it like that"